hedonist bhoga

am i doing it because it feels good to me or because it is opening up into infinite space? i thought i was awakening, and i suppose i am to start to realize this, but so far its been all about the awakening, as if im doing it, and it is so ecstatic that i am orgasming all the time, except when i start to come down, except when someone pulls out because its not always so wonderful to be on the other side of someones orgasm that is doing it because it feels so good they forget about the other being, even if we are becoming one, we were becoming me. i thought i was opening into love, and i guess i am as i sense the difference, but alot of my love was love for myself, loving the way someone makes me feel, what they do for me. i dint know i was doing it. i felt what i thought was love.
its hard to see the possibilties of life sometimes, we can only see what we have already known. i couldnt understand why people were a little confused by me, turned away from me, they must just not get me i thought, and they may not, but i just didnt get it either. not that ive got it now.
but im beginning to feel the difference.
and can sense how far i have to go.
deep gratitude for the awakening, each door as it opens.